That time we ate all the food

On today's episode, the conversation delves into the complex relationship between ADHD and food, highlighting personal experiences and challenges. Kelly and Leti discuss how ADHD affects impulse control around eating, leading to overeating or undereating. They share childhood memories of using food as a reward, influenced by dopamine deficiencies. Leti recounts periods of scarcity and binge eating, while Kelly describes weight fluctuations and the impact of medication on appetite. They emphasize the importance of self-regulation, fasting, and understanding sensory systems to manage eating habits. 

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Transcript

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Hey. Kelly, yeah, Leti, do you remember that time we ate all the food? You Good morning. Good morning. Welcome to wth ADHD, because what the heck with eating? Oh my god. It like, seriously, when we started talking about this episode, it's literally, I went through my whole entire life going, Oh my god. This is sanity. This. It has been a very difficult relationship for me more so than friendships or romantic relationships. Oh, my God, yes, it has been the hardest relationship of my life. For me. Yeah, I I've got to say it's been the hardest thing I've ever, ever had to deal with and and it's it stems all the way back to early childhood my parents, I believe Christie Brinkley, because she was perfect and I wanted to look like her. Well, we went and we, I mean, the world back then, once all those beautiful supermodels and everyone came into to being, it became, I guess it's always been like that, though. I think the difference is that, yes, I wanted to look like Christie Brinkley, but one of the problems was there was a reason I couldn't really achieve looking a certain way, not just because of body positivity, but because I had a really difficult time inhibiting my impulses to eat. And ADHD really complicates relationship with food. And it can be, you know, kind of either a side where you're overeating or you're under eating. We'll talk a little bit more about the mechanisms that really take place and you know, they're a really big part of how you experience food. And I thought it was normal, you know, that people would just like, get hungry, and then you just eat until, you know, you you're so full your food almost hurts. But then I would look at really thin people, and I didn't really understand how you could operate. You know, I'm so little and be fine like I felt like I would die, right? And food for me growing up was a huge reward, huge reward my dad. Do you know why it was a huge rule back then? No, I just thought I was being I was lucky because my dad went and bought a blueberry pie, and we all got to have a slice, or he bought, bought the marshmallow cookies, and we all got to eat the cookies at the end of the night. I want you to think back to that blueberry pie. Can you picture it? Oh yeah. Can you smell it, oh yeah. Can you remember what it felt like? Oh yeah. How wonderful did you feel in that first God, it was the best, right? So the reward mechanisms in your brain activated, and that got all kinds of dopamine flowing. Oh yeah, Rachel, what neurotransmitter were you low of at the time? I don't know what you're asking me. I'm sorry, so I do not know of what you speak of. So the neurotransmitter that is typically deficient for people with ADHD is dopamine. Plays a huge part in your reward mechanisms and food while that gets all of that going, and so it serves a really wonderful regulatory purpose in your brain. So not only are you satiated because you're getting all those hunger signals you know, quieted down, but now your brain is flooded with all these feel good hormones that you don't have enough of. Well, boy, do those blueberries feel good. I mean, I can, yeah. And so for humans, for us, it's very important to have that reward mechanism in place, because it's an ancient neurotransmitter. You ate some, you know, some. You found something wonderful out as you're foraging. And your brain gives you that reward mechanism because that ties into memory, and that helps you remember where you got that firm and it keeps you fed. But of course, you know, like, I know where it is, it's at Ralph's. Well, yeah, now that you're an adult, you know where it is in a modern. Society, I don't necessarily need such a high reward for food, but because I operate on such a low dopamine on a day to day, that high reward becomes something I will seek, because it gives it to me. It's easy, exactly, easy, easy, easy. And my and growing up with me, I don't know about you, but my mom was like a weight watchers mom. My mom was always watching her weight, you know, and me and my sisters all had weight issues, so our household didn't have anything bad in it. When you say weight issues, how was that qualified back then? Qualified back then? It meant that we we were a little overweight because there was no body positivity back then, you know, like no none. So if you were even just chubby, forget it. You were fat. And that was just a fat girl. Oh, it's a bad, horrible thing. I was always the fat girl, and then I look back on all of it, and I really wasn't, you know, that fat or that overweight, but the problem was, is I learned so little that you're always on a diet, but Dad always brings you desserts at the end of the night, so you always had that to look forward to, and and my dad was always good. He bought two things so the whole family could really enjoy, but it was like every night, like that was my dad's dopamine, basically, basically, you were taught that if you're really good and just gritted your teeth through the day, a reward was coming, and reward was food. So that also had sugary, yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy food. Dessert becomes part of the meal cycle versus a treat that's occasional, that's just how you end your day, nice, because sugar is bad. You can only have it at the once, at night, at night. Yeah, that's when we should have it, yeah, because you know you're going to sleep and yeah. So basically, for me, weight was always an issue my whole life, and now I complete. I mean, I understand why it was because I did that pattern my whole life. Didn't eat lots during the day, and when it came to night time, mama had fun. Did you ever sneak food at night or, like candies and things that you ever Hoard? Well, what we what happened in our household? Tell me. Tell me about what happened whenever someone would give you candy and stuff like that. So like when my sister she would hide her candy, and we'd all go looking for her candy in her in her closet. You guys are herbals. Her boyfriend liked candy too, and he would hide candy, and we'd all go eat their candy in her closet. You stole your sister. Oh, my God, yes, but I never hid food until I was older, and like with my husband and stuff like that, I hid my food. Why did you start that then, because I didn't want him to see me eating the chocolate that I love to eat at night. Why? I don't know. Now I don't care. Like, it's so weird. In the last like 10 years now I can eat that chocolate in front of him. Is it because he stopped caring about everything. He never cared anyways. Like he was never that. What did you think I let go of this? I let go of the the sigma behind it, behind what? Eating chocolate alone at night, so bonbons at night were a sin. A No, no, yes. In your mind, in my mind, represent for you. Like, what did you who does that? Who? Who's that person that you didn't want to be that does that Bon Bon eating at night? God, I don't know. I really I'd have to, like, I think I need to think about that. But I, I used to love sitting in my bed popping Eminem's, oh my gosh, I'm gonna picture this you and your badly. Just Eminem's watching TV or, yeah, and then, and then you hear the car and you, like, hide it in your drawer. Remember, my husband were always work nights, so I never had to worry about that. So this was your alone time. Yeah, at once, once my child went to bed and, and this was definitely early years of her childhood, I would then go lay down in bed, and I had it in my nightstand, in the drawer, and I would literally just pop Eminem's, so what you were doing there better, Eminem's what you were doing there, Kelly, is you were self regulating your day of being over stimulated, I'm asking, oh, like, it's just like bananas, because I was, yeah, let it out. Let it out. Say it crazy. What that you were regulating? Yeah, I was absolutely I that's what I do every night. I. Except now I don't eat at night. Yeah, we still need to regulate from being overstimulated. But as you can see, food has such a powerful force in helping us regulate, because it does provide that really wonderful, large burst of dopamine, and that can lead to all kinds of eating problems right in in the realm of excess. I mean, I was all about the excess for a period of time, but I'm gonna, you know, wind back from those teen years of excess and in Hungary, you know, food for us was, you know, we'd walk over to the butcher, we'd get the meat. There were three meals, maybe a little snack. We didn't eat a lot of food. It was, you know, everything was rationed in terms of money. And I remember waiting in long lines for bananas in the snow, because we would get them in the winter, and then around Christmas, we could get these blood oranges that were wrapped in paper, and we would get them for Christmas gifts. So food had a scarcity to it. If the store was out of food by the time you got there in the afternoon, there was literally empty shelves, and milk came in bags. So there'd be like two or three leaking bags of milk. There would be just no bread, no meat, no sugar, no flour, nothing, maybe some potatoes. So there was a lot of scarcity that would go through these, like periods, depending on you know, how the Russian occupation was impacting the food supply at the time and weather, and who knows, but I don't know. I was very young, so food for me, did hold this reward mechanism that was not just the pleasure of eating it, but getting it right. And I'm all about the hunt. You know that right? Like popping the tags. And I think part of that hunt for me is also like, you like, get in there. Like, Mom, I found a cheese. It was in the back, and let's buy this cheese. And I remember finding this, like smoked mozzarella one time. And, you know, unraveling that beautiful braid, and just so much pleasure from not just the smokiness and the eating it, but the fact that I'd found it and no one else had seen it because in the back and I was little, so food had always been this sort of hunter gatherer issue. And it's not that we were I don't remember being hungry so I was fed. The food was also this sign of independence, and you know, like all this stuff, I remember my first meal by myself. I must have been like six, and I walked out of the house with some money that I had saved up and walked down the street to this restaurant by myself, sat down and ordered a liver and onions and ate bananas. I felt so grown up that I had ordered this food by myself and nobody knew about it, and I had this, like, secret meal, yeah. And so that secrecy around food came too, because that scarcity means you have something someone else doesn't Right, right? And you want to hide it. So I think you know, this really galvanized for me when I came to the United States, we went through a scarcity period where we did not have access to food for six months. And when we came here, my grandfather hid us in a house up on a hill because he didn't want to tell his second family that he left children in Europe and escaped during the 56th revolution. So when we had come here, he made a lot of effort to not let his current family know that that's something that he had done. So he hit us, and he told us we couldn't leave the house. And we were in this unfinished, beautiful, two story home in Monterey Park, up on the hill, no electricity, just cold water, concrete floors, no refrigeration, no gas. And we sat there and waited for some kind of help. And eventually we, like, wondered out and found a little market and got a little cooler, and I remember, like, splitting a slice of bread between my mother, my aunt, the dog, and I, and eating like, cereal with water with like, chocolate powder in it. So food was really hard for us. Oh my gosh, yes, it was. We lost so much weight. We all had collar bones and ribs and and I remember, I, like, went to this neighbor's house down the street. They always kept their garage open. Happen. And they had like, hundreds of Shasta sodas in the garage, and I would steal it, right? Because sugar, I was just hungry a lot back then, and this food get need and shovel it as much as you can became a thing for me. And so as we had access to food, I remember these really large meals. You know, my mom would make this just huge pot of spaghetti, and we would put a giant serving. When I say giant serving, I mean, like, my head on a plate, and I would eat it all. We'd go to like the smorgasbord. Smorgas smorgasborg, smorgasmarg, smorgasborg, yes, smorgasbord restaurant with my stepdad and he, he was, he was in his 20s. He was an athlete. He could eat I would eat him under the table. Every time you eat everyone under the table, that's that's what I definitely know about you, is that that's one thing I know about you, is you eat everyone under the table. I don't understand how that works, but then, you know, I would have this internalized horrible feeling that I did it again. I couldn't control myself. And that's the ADHD I was not able to inhibit my impulse to keep going, to keep feeding, because it's the dopamine. It's coming. It's a dopamine, and it's triggering all these things of trauma and not enough neurotransmitters to feel good. It's It's just my brain's like on fire when it comes to food. And it wasn't until my early 20s where, you know, I felt so out of control. And even though I was exercising a lot, I mean, a lot, like at least five times a week, maybe like 10 to 15 hours, easily, if not much, much more on the weekends. But it was never enough to kind of get me in a shape that I liked. I always had this like layer of Flubber on my muscles. You know, as a competitive swimmer, a competitive cyclist, a competitive runner, triathlete, kickboxer, and I still, always, always, always felt fat. It didn't matter what I looked like to others. I felt fat. And I think that was just because I was internalizing this, not being in control and, and I associated that with sloppiness, with weakness, and I'm just being disgusting. And I thought I was disgusting. God, I did too. I really did. I thought I was just a gross human that could not be trusted around food. Isn't that wild? And I would hide, like, really good foods in the cabinets because I didn't want anyone else to eat them, because that would be my like, like you, that would be my regulation time, really enjoying the secret pleasure of food. But it did make me a good cook and and of desserts, which is wow together and open our bakery. And then I got into the whole age of womanhood and looking good and potentially getting married, and then I went into that hyper focus of complete looking at every calorie, macronutrients and highly restrictive eating, which can also be part of the ADHD hyper focus, right? So now I was focused on it all day, every minute of my day, keeping logs, drinking tea, counting how many calories were in that tea, and just obsessing over what I was putting into my body, obsessing over the weight inches, just not great for you. I had a moment there. When I started college, I was overweight. I was always overweight. And when I went into that sorority, and we overweight per the American Medical Association, height weight chart, BMI thing, I mean, from like the 50s, yeah, okay, yeah, just I was overweight. But I was definitely i By the time I finished high school and gotten to college, and then the first year of college was miserable, boy, oh boy. I gained some weight that first year of college, and then I went, let's dig in a little bit. Why are we gaining weight in college? Well, I think there's a lot more responsibility we you're basically taking care of yourself. You have to watch yourself. You have to be responsible for yourself. You have to wake up to go to your class. That's your. Anxiety talking. So everyone kind of has that notion of the freshman 10, right? We gain weight, and part of that is newfound freedom. Your parents are not keeping a food schedule. You're buying your own food, which means it's mostly a fat food, fat food, fast food, that's fat food. Same thing. You got chips. You're snacking while you're studying. There's no rhyme or reason to your eating. You don't have to have it because for the first time, you're experiencing all this freedom, which everyone experiences, right? But why do people with ADHD have extra difficulty with this? And this is where you're coming in with this. You're telling me about all these tasks. So that means that anxiety level is really high for you, and what can help you with anxiety is dopamine, and you're getting that through your food. So College, entering into college is a really important time to understand these processes. So if you have children who are going to be going into college, addressing these potential cycles ahead of time of giving coping mechanisms for anxiety, giving methods of study. How do you study for tests and planning to reduce anxiety is very important to help build a better relationship with food, but I did in college when I had the opposite effect too, like you did after my want to say was my third year in college, I was in a sorority. I had a boyfriend who was my boyfriend when I was bigger, and something I don't I feel like this happens to a lot of college kids too. I went on a really big downward, downward spiral of losing weight. I've never really had a downward spiral of like, I look, yeah, no, I look back on it and fall into that pit. How do I fall into that pit of downwards? But it was bad, because I would eat, really, I wouldn't eat. Barely ate, and I was sick every two months, every like with a cold, yes, and I mean, like a really bad cold, your immune system was low, but you were also in a high anxiety states, which drove your immune system lower too, but I wasn't getting any nutrients. I was with my boyfriend, and did your friends press too at that time? Feel what depressed? No, because I was having a great time, and then I would get depressed when I got sick. And it was like a It was literally every two months, and for two weeks every two months I was out for the count. Like I couldn't do anything. Like I was so sick first it was just sick, as in head cold. Like I would get these really, really, really bad head cold sinus infections, yes, like, really, really bad, and it would take two weeks for me to feel better, and then I'd feel good for four weeks, and then the cycle would start over again. And that lasted for probably, like, a year and a half. And then I started to gain weight again, because I got whatever I was doing and not eating, and how I was able to maintain that went away, whatever that was left. Do you think you were just sick? I don't know. But I even when I was sick, once I felt better, I was ready to just go back and do my horrible not eating routine because I was losing weight. I mean, you could have been just running really low on everything, everything, and then any little thing was too stressful for your system, because you weren't your cells were running low. I mean, it was just like it would be, and like the back, I was sick a lot, but, and I haven't been sick like that. I mean, as far as I can remember, remember since, I mean, I did have my deviated, septum fix when I was 27 that helped a lot, because I was able to sleep a lot better. So that helped my body. I was a big snorer until I got my tonsils out in my 20s, right? I got my tonsils out at 19, so thankfully, I had that out first before I really, you know, had any relationships or whatever, but I still snored, really bad because of my DVD. Sure, I still snore. I still sore now I don't want to know. Oh, I I never want to know. I see I tape myself, do you? Oh, yeah. Why would you do that? Because I want to hear it. I want to hear if I'm like, why losing like, if I'm having sleep apnea, yeah, oh yeah. And then I get and then my husband gets to hear himself snore too, which is great you guys are sometimes it's like, oh my god, I'm I'm gonna die. And I'm sure he feels the same way about me snoring. So anyway, where were we going with them? Nowhere fast. Basically. In college, I dropped a bunch of weight, and then as college started to end, and my relationship started going downhill, is when I started to eat again. I guess my weight has always been up and down. Super, yo, yo, yeah. But not big, maybe fluctuating between size 14 and 10. That was like my typical fluctuation in sizes. Yeah, me too, like between and around there. So that's not a lot of ways themed for me now to look at and put on my size 14 jeans. I feel great if I put my size 14 jeans on when I was 23 I did not feel great. Yeah, I mean, I can look at my like when I was hated skinniest, when I was at my skinniest, when I could wear tank tops and tight jeans. I would still wear a tiny little sweater around my I would never feel co hide my butt for I don't know why. I would never feel comfortable in skimpy clothes ever. Oh, my God, but I wanted to wear them. I really did. And when I when I was really fit in terms of, like, strong and muscle, and I felt I looked good, you know, I put it out there, but most of the time I just put my boobs out there. That way. I was hoping it would distract from the rolls and highs. I just didn't think that men like that. And I thought that when people looked at me, they would think what I thought of me, which was that I'm a sloppy, you know, just this person who can't control themselves and doesn't care. And then clothes that I loved, and, you know, I love clothes and designer things. They're not made for bodies with a lot of curves back then now. And you know, like, I'd get some really nice measurements going, like that classic, like 38 I'd get a nice like, 34 waist, but my hips were always in, like, in the 40s. Yeah, it's just how it is so just that classic hourglass figure, and you can't put any of those nice things on there. So I just thought there was something wrong with me, that all these people are wearing these clothes clearly, and I'd go into like the mall, and nothing was really cut for me. It was either too short because I'm also tall, it was just all the wrong things. When I was working out in 2627 Oh, my God, I could wear my tight guest jeans. I couldn't get it my my platform, you know, wedges, and my tank top. Oh, my God. So so then I got into, I started working for Hilton Hotels, and everyone wore suits, and everyone looked perfect, and it was Beverly Hills, right? And that's when I got into, like, this really restrictive eating. And I mean, when I'm talking about restrictive it's 500 calories for the day. My God, in addition to exercising and guess what? How bad you gained weight I didn't lose anyway, because you weren't eating enough. And I didn't know, I didn't so then I thought there was something so wrong with me that I was doing these things and it was not helping, right? So then, then, then, why do it? And then I would get this, like, defeating period. And then I would just be like, well, it doesn't matter what I do, so then I might as well eat right? And, you know, looking back at the pictures, I mean, I wasn't in what I thought at the time. I looked to myself. So there's definitely some that was going on with me. I couldn't see clearly what I looked like, and I don't think I still am able to at this point, but I have a much better relationship with food, and part of what helped me was to actually really look at the beauty of food and enjoy the cooking of it and enjoy the growing of it. I grew a lot of my food, and that kind of helped me connect with my food a little better. But then, really, what did it for me, ultimately, was fasting. Fasting for me, allowed my brain over. It took a couple of weeks, but it took me. I know it's counterintuitive, right? I'll get there. So I'm fasting not in the way where I was eating 500 calories in the day and counting my 20 calorie, you know, sliver of grapes or whatever I was eating it was, that's just insanity. But fasting is in giving my body a little time from evening through the night and to the morning, that little time to digest and heal and rest. And somehow, when I did that, and I would do like 12 to 16 hour fast, it allowed me to to not eat so rabidly like do. Like, shove it down my face and letting myself know that food was coming and great food was coming, it allowed me to eat smaller and better. And I don't know how that worked in my brain, and maybe I'm just older, and I was ready for it too, so it's much easier now. I also know that I can't eat certain things because they will trigger me. So carbohydrates are a high trigger for me, because there there were the thing that was cheap to get that would give me that release from starvation, right? So I can't eat pasta, bread, rice, you know, the white things every day. I eat them once, twice a week now, and very consciously, you know, I'll bake a good bread, and I'll eat some of that, or things like that, but it can't be part of my daily lifestyle intake, because it will trigger me. I just know this about my body and my brain. I certainly do indulge in it, and same with sugars. But again, I'm really careful now when I'm doing it, and I'm conscious about when I'm doing it, so that it's not that impulsivity leading me down that path. But since October, I've been medicating, and that's been a different experience, because medication will also decrease appetite, which at first I thought was awesome, but then it would lead me to like not eating till 3pm and then it's whatever the first thing insight is, shove it down your face. Now, I got that it would, it would just really suppress my appetite. So now suppress, no, I'm suppressed. I'm big suppressed, and I have to force myself to eat to get my nutrients. Because I will just, I have to, like, it's, it's nine o'clock right now, and you know, I have to go get my little smoothie so I can break my fast, so I have something good in my body, but it's really hard for me to eat. I've always hated eating in the morning. Remember, like I I'm not a breakfast person. I don't like breakfast food. I feel nauseous in the morning. I'm not in the mood to eat in the morning. It's just not my thing. But now that I'm on this medication, I have to because I'm not getting enough food when I just have a little lunch and a little dinner, because my appetite is still suppressed. But I'll eat lunch and I'll eat dinner, and I don't think I'm getting enough nutrients in those two meals, because I'm not snacking in the middle of the day at all. I don't have any desire to snack. So I I have my little smoothie that has my fruits and veggies in it in the morning to help get me through, to break that fast and get my body going, because it's too much sugar and it'll just cascade me into like eating all day. So I have to, I have to have protein. Oh, interesting. But this is a dairy free, no sugar added. It's literally just pressed fruits. You're a pressed fruit, and that's it. I'm a cold pressed fruit. Yes, pressed fruit press and I need protein, yes. But for me, this is what's helping me, and this is what's helping me lose weight now, and the fact that I know I'm not getting enough nutrients in my body, and I am feeding my body when it needs to be fed, because I know I'm not eating enough is a huge thing for me to do, because that is completely opposite of what I've ever done before, right? But I need to take care of myself. I need my cholesterol, my cholesterol. I need to, you know what I mean, like, I'm 51 I got about half my cholesterol is actually very much related to menopause, absolutely. But I'm still going to do my darndest to bring it down, via medication, via whatever it takes to bring it down, because even if it is just because of my menopause, I'm still getting the build up in my arteries. And I don't want that just reducing animal protein. I also don't want people to right, and I don't want people to think I'm honest. You don't have a Zen pick face. I can tell you that right now. You are not gone, right? But if I, if I lose another 20 pounds, and I actually get back to the weight I was before, like when I had my daughter, or before it right before I got pregnant, I'll definitely be thinner, but I'll I won't look like jowls, no matter how much that might be. The one thing I do, you think people like 300 pound podcasters right now? Yeah, right. No, we're not. And then that's what the thing is, is I Okay? So I lost about 20 pounds. But you know, unfortunately, it's another story. I was sick. Excuses. Excuse me. Yeah. I was, I was honest, actually, truly sick, and was taking medication that really ballooned me up, and it really is which can fucked up. Yeah, I had a impact. Now, how you are able to metabolize, so I have thyroid issues and but now that we're getting those under control, and I'm able to not well when I wasn't on the medication to take it, I It enabled me to lose weight as well. So going off of that medication, metabolic processes running correctly to even manage anything right? So when it's not running well, you're going to experience weight either extra if you're hypo, and then you're going to experience less if you're hype. I was hyper. The medication they gave me to correct the disease that I have causes weight gain. You're not only weighing your metabolic rates down, you're changing other processes in your system, but in the end, the weight that I'm right at right now, I could stay this way and be happy because I can look at myself in the mirror naked, and it doesn't gross me out. I'm just picturing you right now in the bedroom looking at yourself. I've actually done it. I've done it because I had to. I'm not grossed out right now. Yeah, yeah. Like, I look actually pretty good for 51 and have meno belly, you know, I have menopause belly. That's fine, but it's, you know, whatever, whatever. So there, that's all I wanted to say, was, I feel better about myself. I'm in a much better head space about myself with weight and food than I have ever been in my entire life. Kelly, that you and I are both better regulated because we are providing the right dopamine reward system levels. We're not using food as our reward. I'm using actions as my reward. I get off. Tell me about how you get off, Kelly. Oh, I get off cleaning the kitchen. You are keeping my house clean. Your broken, literally makes me broken. Oh, God, I love it, um, but I but like because I'm putting my dopamine to you, your other ways. Now, when I don't take my medication, I do get really hungry, I'm tired, and that day I'm gonna probably eat a lot more, but I'm aware, and that's really what what has changed for me? Yeah, I have a different awareness for the causality of what I want, what I want. And the diagnosis has really opened my eyes to all these other areas that were and I keep going back to that word, reactive, right, living in this sort of responding to a need, just totally subconsciously. And I feel like that got me into so much of these cycles that I experienced all of them that I I still have all of them clothing sizes from size six through size 16, and I have half of it like stored because I'm so scared that I'm gonna go back to that 18, but then I'm keeping that six because, like, maybe that'll happen. I'm hanging around like a 12 right now. That's like my size 1012, depending. But my brain can't get rid of those clothes, because I've done that so many times, where I would get rid of the fat clothes or get rid of the skinny clothes, because I just didn't want them in my closet, and then I have to rebuy different size clothes. So right now, I'm hoarding. I'm a hoarder of clothes because I can't, I can't believe that I can stay this size. Okay, talk to me about this. I believe okay. I believe that you I believe that I can, and I believe that you can, because we are in a very different headspace than we were two years ago? Yeah, a year ago, six months ago, I'm gonna tell you right now, Claudio and I, I got rid of all my size eight. It's never and under clothes, I'll never be a size eight, ever, even when I'm 160 pounds. I was never a size eight. I was a size 10 because I'm five, seven and I'm that's the way my body is. I have long arms. If I buy something that's a medium and it's long sleeve, it's too fucking short for my my arms. So I always have to buy a large top. But that's fine. That doesn't matter. I got rid of a. All of my size 16 clothes, yeah, all of them are gone. I did all of them are gone because I'm not going to be a size 16 again. I don't feel like I'm ever going to be a size 16 again right now. I'm like a size 14, and I have so many clothes that are a size 1214, that I get to get into, hopefully soon, and that's just kind of what I'm looking forward to, but I have enough size 14 right now that I could just be fine with what I'm wearing now. I just had that fear, and I think part of it is that scarcity. I think you need to, I want you to face that fear. Because I really, really, really, really, truly believe in my heart, we're never going back, just like two weekends of eating pie, and I'm back there, but I don't think you're going to have two weekends of eating pie. That's the thing. I don't think you're going to do that, I mean, but if you really, really want to, why do you want to? What is making you want to? You know what I'm looking forward to right now? I'm going to eat really. I'm going to eat, like, how I've been eating. Eat really, really good. And Mother's Day is Sunday. Oh, my God. Like, I'm so excited for Mother's Day because, but you know what's going to happen is I'm going to eat what I want to eat over because I eat a lot. So, yeah, yeah, yeah, I can't overeat anymore either. It's just not in my it's not in me. I think the test for you this week, is it a is I want you to get rid of those size six clothes? No, no, no Scantron. I want you to get rid of size six and under. Because Letty, you'll you're never going to be a size six. You're fucking five nine. You're never going to be a size six, ever. I mean, it wasn't that long ago I was ever when we started the bakery. That's where I was, yeah, but we had a very big you, we had, you had a very big weight loss drop right before that, and that was not sustainable. Come on, you were not eating right. You were not, yeah, you look fucking fabulous, but you went through a very Hey, bad eating stresses. That's why you got there, working out. No, the Italian life happened. Fine, okay, I get it, I get it. I get it. Okay, but get it you listen to my words, words. Get rid of the size six clothes, and get rid of the size 16 clothes, because you're never gonna close. Remember, I'm I'm a complicated person when it comes to, you know, holding on to things. I hold on to the whole thing, but the memory, but you're never going to look at those remember, like where I was, where I wore him, and, oh, my God, yes, Letty, you have to get rid of one trash bag of size six and one trash bag of size 16. For realsy, yeah. Like, I could go show you my closet. It's never been so it doesn't look great because, well, I'm scattered, but like, everything's put away. Like, I have a spot for everything. Now, finally, in my fucking life, and I have a nice big freaking, what are those called closets? And I'm actually like, it's not overstuffed anymore, and like an asshole, definitely plentiful, but I will say this, we were definitely in a space where we're declutterizing and getting rid of the stuff we don't need. You don't need it. Never know, like you don't you're gonna need it. No coming because commies are coming. You know what? Letty you're gonna need. Let have stop it. There's no commies coming, and you're not gonna need your size six jeans when the commies come, if they come, let them for bread. What you need is somewhere to hide. So you need to get rid of those. I know you have a place to hide, but I need you to get rid of those boxes. I need you to get rid of them. I'll work on it. Okay, that's fine. I'm there. You're not there yet. We'll get you there. We can get you there. Yeah, we can talk about that. I just turned into that tiny little thinking about, talking about, we can talk about that next, next episode, because, yeah, you cray, cray in that. But food, food is was, was a mystery. I don't think it's a mystery anymore. I think I understand it a lot more. And I see my daughter eating like a teenager, and at this point she's on medication. I need her to just have something in her body. Because my daughter, a lot, who puts everything in their body, I need her to have any kind of calorie I can get in her at this point, right now, because she's but like a size four. They've always been a light alarm, though, and she needs kind of how their body operates, you know, and as long as they're not tired and but, and then, then that might be they're not their system, you know, operates exactly so for me, having her eat cookies, and as long as I see some fruit in there as well. I'm fine with it, because I just need her to have calories, because she's just very, very skinny, and it's because she doesn't have an appetite because of her medication, and she has ADHD, so she has horrible textural issues with food. My daughter is the same in terms of medication, same kinds of medications, same kinds of Well, definitely a lot of textural things, aversions, but when they come home from school, because they've spent a lot of time masking and a lot of time dysregulating from their other sensory needs, I watched them eat one of the giant deli matzo ball soups. I watched them eat a cookie, then they went and got some more snacks, and then they went and got some more snacks, and they just eat and eat and eat. And I see it as that regulating from the day. So, yeah, you know, we kind of have to to look at these systems of regulation too, and we can talk a little bit, maybe more about systems of regulation. There's actually some really great things we can discuss in that and how we become dysregulated, especially those of us who have ADHD. So maybe we can chat about the night. Okay, that would be good. Well, thank you for joining us on our ADHD adventure. I hope that maybe some of our discussion of food you were able to connect with and feel not alone, and you're okay. You're fine. If you suspect you have ADHD I do still recommend that you talk to a professional, because becoming regulated can help you stop these cycles. Really is a life changer, and it's not instantaneous. We've only been doing this for six months. I feel like I really changed a lot in the six months, but I have so much farther to go to really, really, really tune in right wrapping my mind around it is one thing, things, discovering the sensory systems and those and recognizing them in the moment is another. I'm learning to recognize when I'm dysregulated or when what the reasoning behind my actions are I'm less reactive, and that's really, thankfully, through medication, I've been able to do that well. Thank you for being with us, and we'll see you next time on wth. ADHD. ADHD, bye. This has been a high. It's me, ADHD production.