That time we forgot an entire episode

On today's episode, the conversation delves into the challenges of working memory and executive function in ADHD, using personal anecdotes to illustrate. Leti describes the struggle of remembering daily tasks, like taking medication, and Kelly, the anxiety associated with social engagements. They discuss strategies to manage these issues, such as creating task lists, setting alarms, and practicing mindfulness. Kelly and Leti reflect on their different coping mechanisms, with Leti being more externally driven and Kelly more internally focused. They emphasize the importance of self-awareness and sharing experiences to help others with ADHD. The call to action encourages listeners to share their own strategies.

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Chapters

• 0:00 Memory and ADHD: Introduction and Personal Experiences
• 30:44 Reflecting on the Last Episode and Taking a Break
• 31:05 Strategies for Coping with Social Anxiety and Preparing for Outings
• 31:24 Practical Tips for Managing Time and Anxiety
• 31:44 Personal Experiences and Insights on Managing Anxiety
• 32:02 Reflecting on Past Experiences and Future Strategies
• 32:20 Call to Action and Community Engagement

Transcript

Unknown: 0:00

Hey, Kelly, yeah, Leti, remember the time you forgot a whole episode. You Good morning. Good morning. Wow. That took a minute. Well, we just riff for like, 20 minutes about forgetting things. And attempted to record this opening while I stared blankly in Kelly's face trying to remember what I was supposed to say when she had just told me, like, literally two seconds before that. Does that ever happen to you? Yes, that happens to us a lot. Oh, you were just asking everyone you in the universe. Welcome to w, T, H, ADHD, what the heck with memory and remembering, and not necessarily long term remembering, but that moment when you are standing in the bathroom, looking in the mirror. You have your medication in your hand, and you don't know if you literally just swallowed something that's going to alter your body's chemistry, and you're trying to remember, okay, did I open this thing? Take a pill, drink water with my hand from the sink, and dry my hands already. Now I'm looking for any signs of moisture on that pill container, and me taking it to see if it feels lighter. Now I'm counting now I don't know what day it is, so I don't even know why I'm counting these pills. I'm trying to feel my throat. Does it feel moister from like drinking? Is there, like that feeling of the pill? Am I feel like? Am I parched, or that taste of the pill I'm grasping and I'm like, Oh, well, I'll know I'm in an hour. Like, honest to God, forget that moment. How do you forget having put something inside your mouth? God, it's just awful. That's what he said, or she said, yeah, that is, I feel like one of the major conundrums of ADHD is working memory. And for my whole life, because I get all sciency, it's executive function of working memory. My whole life, I've never had a good memory. I do not remember. Let me just riff a little here, because I feel like I said a word, and people are like, Okay, I'm working it's memory. No. So when you hear something or see something, your brain gets it, you process it, what you're experiencing in your environment, and it goes into this temporary working memory kind of field. It's like a spinning plate that's just kind of going and you're trying to decide if you're gonna remember that. And if you do have that decision or need it goes into short term memory. And that short term memory goes for some duration, and you you then have to either make a decision again, if you want to remember it, and then remember it again before it goes into long term storage. Boy, I never get to that point. The long term memory would be like stuff that you remember from your child. From your childhood, lyrics to a song, stuff like that. Those are long term memory. Happy Birthday is a really deep one. That's, you know, and there's stroke patients, and we're trying to get something out of them. Typically, that one, you know, we'll sing happy birthday because it's more automatic. It's so ingrained. A short term is literally like, Where'd you put your keys? I don't know. How about this, so ADHD is prone to having poor working memory. Also tell me the reason for this episode today is to discuss our last episode. What was our last episode? Honestly, I can't remember it because I literally lost my mind at the end of it, and we decided to take a break. And it's happy process three weeks now. I don't know, Todd, you're asking me about time, and we've taken about a three number right now, is it? No, it's hot. It's summertime. It's fucking hot. Um, yeah, we took a three week break because it the last episode was a large pill to swallow, like how I brought that in here on my two drink minimum, because it was it, It fucked my head up for for a hot minute. Yeah, you know, we ended up talking about it after two, after we. Stopped recording because, like, you need, yeah? I was like, get out and basically keep you out of the house. Leave you with your thoughts. Now, think I went outside and cried for a bit, yeah, oh yeah, wow. It got me good. And then I was like, let's try this. What were you crying about? I think because the discovery of it, of what, oh God, trying to see, if you can't remember, what did you discover? I discovered that my whole reason why I don't go out, and why I don't socialize, and why it's so hard for me to do that, because I literally can't get out the door, because I have such a social thing door, and you have to help me remember a lot of this, because I did. I do feel like I blacked it out. Let's see what you took away from this. I'm sorry. I won't interrupt gone that, and now I forgot. I can't get out the door. I can't get out the door because I have such a huge issue with preparing for the outings. Okay? And this is what I remember, and you'll correct me, boy, will I? Yeah, I know, let's see how different I am and what actually happened. I have such a huge I have such anxiety about going out, being late, being on time. I create such a horrible space for myself prior to these engagements that I literally have the worst time in the world because I'm so overwhelmed and so over stimulated, because I've worked myself up into a frenzy. I feel like, and not that I don't have a great time when at wherever I am, that just sounds awful. It just sounds heading there. Is fucking bananas. And yes, I always have a good time because I'm a good time Kelly. And that also might explain why you leave so early, because you're so exhausted. But that's how you hear it there. So now there was this. Is it too much? That's why, yeah, you're exhausted. Me. Holy fuck yeah. So there's lots of cussing. I think that those are all great. And I think that's really all the takeaway that needs to be. I mean, the thing that I asked you to focus on towards the end there is, you know, what are some strategies that you can do? All I remember saying to you is, no, like, I can't keep going. You need to shut up. Just take my sock off. I can't keep going. Like, that's just not gonna happen right now. Mama needs to back off. And I like that you were able to express that boundary too, because you know me, I just like, keep going. Keep going. Keep going. No good. We're gonna work through it. No, no, no, we're not, not right now. Get the fuck out. But I will say this like I my husband hasn't heard the episode yet. I need to edit it. You can even go back to could you? No, not yet. I will that's okay, take your time. You know, this is a whole thing for us to work through. You guys are just listening to our complete crashing of our lives. I don't even know why we're telling you, but we are so you can, like, feel better about your life. So I had suggested, which was a super big blur, a way for you to begin coping with this particular area that's difficult, and one of the ways to do that is, you know, you you have this understanding of how long it will actually take you to get somewhere. So let's draw out like 30 minutes, because that would be if you're going like two miles in Los Angeles. So let's say you have somewhere to go and to be there, and it takes you 30 minutes, typically, to get there. And maybe you start worrying about that. What an hour? Two hour how many hours before that are you like? Just starting to it starts to creep in. Oh, it creeps in when I wake up with your morning, okay, yeah. So what I thought you might want to do is, when you don't have somewhere to go, planned, start practicing and creating for yourself a little sort of menu of short tasks, something that's five minutes, something that's 10 minutes, maybe something that's 30 minutes, things that you can do that instead of just waiting for that time to come when you got to be out the door, you can say, all right, I'm going to just take five minutes right now because. Really anxious, and pick a five minute task off this list, which is maybe like, check the fridge to see if I need to buy anything, or, I don't know, go outside and look at the sky, whatever the five minute task you want it to be. And there should be a couple, because it depends on your mood. Come back from it and then check in how you feeling. And again, this is not when you have to go somewhere. This is just being, you know, normal, Saturday, whatever, right? And you come back in, or you you do think, and you check in, how's your body feeling, if you feel more tension, or anything like that, because you know what you're working towards, you might actually feel tension and pick something from your 10 minute menu. So that could be, I don't know what takes you 10 minutes to do. How do I make a 10 minute menu? Let me tell you. Kelly, the thought of making a menu lip like stops me in my tracks. I don't I don't want to make menu. You don't want to make a menu. That's fine. How do I then? What do I do? Well, there needs to be some sort of reflection and some sort of alternative plan or strategy that needs to arise, right? And the only way to do that is to really reflect on what's going on, which you have been doing, and then provide something in place of it to help you through that. So then maybe instead of just time you can do a task, tidy the couch. So if you don't know how long things take you, which is totally fair, because I have no idea how long anything takes me, you can pick tasks that appear more simple, like pick up things off the floor, or flip through a magazine or watch a show that could be a duration thing, maybe just picking in the activity rather than the time, but not in a way that that stresses you out, because you don't know how long it takes you, right? So it's not deciding to clean the kitchen because that could be short or long, right? So something that that has built in it a pretty short duration, take off your nail polish like that. Doesn't take that long, right, right? So maybe think of it that way. What are some quick things that I can do and and buildings that help me pass time, help you do a task to stay present? So the idea is mindfulness, because what happens is you are living in whatever time that appointment is, you're in the future, and that hasn't happened. It doesn't exist. It's only in your mind. And you're picturing yourself arriving late, and that's what's in your mind, and you're perseverating on that thought, meaning that it's happening over and over and over in your mind until you lose your shit, or like you don't go or you arrive, just a wreck. So we're trying to break that pattern, right? Because our brains rely on patterns. Current pattern in your brain is, I have to go somewhere. I'm gonna stress about it. I'm gonna think about it, leave early, get there, and then get out of dodge. And that's the pattern that's established over the years. So we need to change that pattern just a little bit so that that predictive machine that our brain is has to figure something new out, and that can help relieve some of the anxiety that you're experiencing. So we're breaking the pattern a little bit by inserting something that's different but still pleasant, and also something that keeps you in the moment present, being mindful of when you're actually physically existing versus future. You Does that make sense? It totally makes sense, and it's so bananas. Present is really different, very hard racing, really I do feel I do live in that future story. No, like I think for me, it's always what's going to happen, what's going to happen once, and that's the uncertainty. And when I sit with myself and I'm just kind of chilling, I do past I run through scenarios. I remember at the baker, I used to be like, Hey Kelly for late What's the worst thing that could happen. So maybe even running through that a little bit before, like, when you wake up and you feel that thing, you're like, Okay, what's the worst thing that could happen? Either family, easiest one, or if I miss it all together. So go through both of those. I'll never miss anything though you don't cancel that doesn't happen. Oh, I'm missing it all together. But on not important, your friends are not important, huh? Well, I guess I make it. I make it. Yeah, that that was a little right stung. I'm bleeding just a bit. Um, I guess I'm talking like, because I'm thinking right now, I have two doctors appointments this week, and I'm getting ready to like I'm already thinking about them, and thank God they're early in the morning so that I don't have to worry about it for the rest of the day, waiting for it to happen. For the record, there's something in my sock, and Kelly's been watching me try to find it. I just found it and it fell on your couch. Much that's yours now. Great, awesome. Thank you. I was so in the present, yeah, that I completely blocked you out, and I apologize for that. I think I was just hurt by the fact that you cancel things. I'm just kidding. I'm the hurt. I'm okay. I think you're used to me canceling. I love you. I know I love you too, yeah? Anywho, um, shit, no no idea where we literally no clue. So we're talking about working with that moment, right? Is that all we're talking about? Yeah, and you know what's so funny isn't that? I'm looking at that, I'm looking back at the moment now, and I can laugh about it. I can see the humor in it. I can see the sadness in it, how sad I felt like at that initial moment when it really hit me. Because it really did hit me at that moment with our episode. Yeah, no, in the episode, it hit me really hard, and I can look back on it now, and I don't feel anxiety over that moment anymore. I did feel anxiety for a while about it, thinking about it, and then wanting to have my husband hear it, listen to it and have it almost explain all of your things. So much about me to him, of course, he still hasn't heard it yet, because I haven't edited it yet. So at some point, yes, I need him to listen to it so it will and I need my daughter to listen to it, because I think she will have, she's having definite social I think they all are, though, too. Like, like, a, what's the word social offer teens and post pandemic and, like, it's a really, it's really hard right now, ball game for them than just that general social thing. And I want her to hear this to make her feel a bit better, because that's kind of how I was as a kid, the way she feels right now. You know, I definitely felt that social anxiety. Didn't want to do it, but I forced myself. I was like, we're going somewhere, anywhere. Yay, people, and then I'm just annoying around me with my energy, we're excited. Yeah, people, you're so annoying. Yeah, golden retriever. People, I love you. I feel like a Labrador, Labrador. I love everyone, Labrador. So going back to that morning wake up and you feel that stress, so using that strategy of thinking about what's the worst thing that could happen, so that you've kind of run through that a little bit, because that's really what you're worried about, right? That that is the worries, and then that worry is realistic. Are you really going to be late? Probably not, because you don't tend to be right. That's your history. I'm never worried about something that is got a very low point 01, probability. So just tell yourself that, yes, I'm worried about being late, but Kelly's really good about being on time, so we're just gonna put a pin in it, or whatever you need to do to then go, all right, I'm in bed like, bring yourself back to the present, wherever you are, right. Then, when these thoughts creep in, what are you doing to bring yourself back into the present again? What's something you can tell yourself to help you get off that thought, whatever that thought is that's related to that later appointment, you can check have I set my alarm, do some action to help you feel that you're still in control of that time. So every morning, when I get up, I look at what you know was going on in the day, and then I on my Apple watch. I set my alarm for each thing. So I have to wake my husband up at 930 so I let set the 930 alarm. I'll have a dog you calendar at your day in the morning. Yes, okay, yeah, speak. So that my arm, and I'm holding my arm up right now, so everyone can everyone in this room, everyone can see I'm holding my arm up that my arm is going to tell me everything I need to do today. Okay? And then what? And then I attempt to go about my day, but I know I have these alarms on my hand. What would happen if you your watch broke? Why do we have to even think about that? You need a backup for your backup. For your backup is then I do it on my stupid phone. I would do it on my phone then. And the reason why I hate doing it on my phone is because I'm one of those people who don't like to turn the ringer up. The ringer up or anything up on my phone. It's off, like, I can't stand a ringer. I can't stand any noise. Like, I turn off all like dings and things. My phone just vibrates when I have an appointment, like, it comes on the screen gently, and like vibrates. I look at it, and then I look away. I don't like dings and blinks. I don't like dings and blings and all that. And this on my wrist, it vibrates, and I can feel it vibrate, and your ringer down too, and everything. Thing. Well, if I have to put something on my phone, then I turn the ringer on, if I have to pay attention, like if I've set something on my phone that I have to listen for the only time I never put it up and never put a no, I can't. I need to, need to know someone's call me. No, I don't. I don't care about that. They're calling about my car's extended warranty. Yeah, I don't really care about that. None of that. So what do you think that you could do when those thoughts come creeping in as you're going about your day with all your awesome alarms? So let's say you have a four o'clock gotta be somewhere. I set my alarms. I gotta pick my kid up at noon. I gotta, you know, Do this, do that, and then probably about if the appointments at four are you doing at like 10? Where's your mind that I don't know, because I'm not sure, to be honest, where I'm at. Um, where are you at? At one I probably he's trying to worry. Yeah, yes, but because I picked up my daughter from the last task before the appointment. Okay, so maybe you need some intervening appointment that's, you know, like a loosey goosey, like nothing that that feels very awful to me. You even saying a point put another appointment in before my appointment. No yourself, for example, like, let's say, putting in the Getting dressed appointment in earlier, or some kind of thing that is towards the task. But, but what you're forgetting is, I'm already dressed because I have dress for the appointment by 10am literally, like, I'm ready to fucking go at 10, you see where I'm going. Why can't the appointment be 10? So then what you would do is maybe instead, put in like, so between one and four you have three hours, so maybe at the hour and a half mark, put in a mindful activity, such as sitting and breathing, strumming your guitar, something that's a little bit more relaxing and practicing, that's, again, it's scheduled, but it's it's meant to kind of move you through that large time gap, that three hours is a long time to worry. That's a lot of stress hormones in your system, right? You can't have, like, nothing to do in there. You gotta put something in for yourself until you get better at it, right? Like, that's the idea. So it's not ever and you might need to actually pack it a little more than one thing, maybe two to three, like spacing out. How long of a time do you have before that worry starts to creep in? Is it 30 minutes? So let's say it starts at one and you clear that. Is it a 30 minute window before those thoughts start creeping in again? So then maybe journaling your next appointment, or putting a little some kind of thing of like, when do you feel it? You have to get awareness first. Yeah, you need to become aware. Otherwise, there's no right figuring out what strategies to use right. Like, well, this will be good this week because I have those two doctors appointments. It'll be good for me to figure it out, although both those appointments are very early. Do a little note on your thing, like, hey Siri, like, Oh, she's gonna start talking to me. Sorry, yeah, I don't want to wake up on her. But putting like, a little like note for yourself when you start feeling that thing creeping in, and you don't even need to do anything about it, just you feel it, you acknowledge it. Take a memo, and then do whatever is you're doing. And then again, when you feel it, just memo your worry. And then when you're no longer worried, because it's over, go back and look at those time intervals and see what you were doing. Because maybe if you weren't busy, those intervals were longer, and if you weren't, they were shorter, or, I don't know, I don't know what happens. You're aware of what happens, and journal it in some way they're mentally or physically. Write it out, whatever it is. So you can start understanding your mind's process about this particular stressor that's going to be like a whole thing is, that sounds exhausting already, so we're just doing a simple verbal memo using your friend on your wrist, who I'm not going to call out. I'm going to call her Becky. Hey, Becky. I'm feeling a little hence about the appointment right now, right? Something like that. So let's keep it simple. You're just going to talk to Becky, okay, all right, I'll attempt to do that this week with my fun appointments, and we'll see what happens. Talk about me now. We can talk about you now. So remember how I was like, Oh, I don't really worry about appointments, because I'm just always running late and whatever. Or, you know, I'm fine. Literally, makes anyone stress about it, like as I'm going there, and then I'm a total wreck. Well, guess what? I found myself catching myself doing that. I had complete unawares of what? So after our episode, we did our episode on Monday, and that's Sunday at the Sunday after I had a thing that I needed to leave by 630 I think four, okay? And I was like, oh, Sunday. I don't have work. I don't have to write reports. It's a chill day. I'm at home with my kids. It's great. And I was like, I had set alarms to get ready, right? So I had, like, a 5pm alarm to do my hair and all that stuff, and I already knew what I was wearing, like, I was pretty set. No need to worry, right? And so I didn't worry. But you know what? I didn't do. I did not start any tasks. I did not paint. Oh no, God, because I thought if I started, I would run out of time halfway through, and I was unable to do cleaning. I was unable to do any of the little things that I wanted to do for myself that day, and gardening, reading, language learning, like, all the things that I know, right? I was like, Oh, I could clean my bathroom I have, like, all this time. And what I ended up doing is watching these short shows and then, like, anxiety, cleaning here and there, like, putting stuff away and hanging with my kid, like, but not liking a great way. And I was like, what I'm not doing, huh? I was like, why aren't you painting? You've been looking forward to doing watercolors. Like, all week. It's a beautiful day. I was gonna, like, have coffee and like, do it outside, nothing, none of it. And around, like, four or something. I was like, Oh my God. I've been like enlightened anxiety over this appointment that is important for someone else, I need to show up. And I just, I just couldn't do anything. And I had not realized that not doing things even even though I was very present in my thing, I don't know it took me for a little ride, yes, because that's a very hard thing to it's very, not very subtle. Be aware. It was so subtle. Yeah, right. It's not like I felt Frick things, right? But what a big thing to notice. Then what happens? I think, looking back on this, come on, tell me more technical words the worse, God, famine. What's your technical word for this? That sucks. That's my technical word. So, right. So I think what happens sometimes with me is so that I'm not doing things and the not doing things that I want to do. Oh, my God, your dog is running in his sleep. Sorry, movement. I get distracted by movement. So what I'm not doing, all that stuff is building up as I need to do, because I am a mover and a goer and a doers, and I'm not doing anything, and that's creating that built up tension. You know, the Fidget you're not getting your release. You got no dopamine release whatsoever, that whole entire day. Then I'm like, at the end, I'm like, oh, it's like, that cramming. And I'm like, Okay, I have an hour, you know what I can do in that hour, and then I do those stupid things that I should have been just easily doing during the day, and that's how I become late, because then I start cleaning the bathroom or painting or whatever it is, the thing I didn't do it that day. I was good about it, because I just took that last hour of wanting to cram and sat with my thoughts and really explored of what, like, what's happening to me, because this show is making my brain go bonkers. Yeah, like, really bonkers, and I reflected, and it helped me, but I think that explains all those, all those rushes, and then I would get caught in this task very close to when I needed to get ready. And instead of getting ready, I'm doing that, and then I'm getting ready in five minutes, thinking about the fast in your crowd, like I'm rushing and I'm late, so I think that's what happens my brain. I'm going to try to pay attention when I have one of the one these coming up. I kind of had a little bit of that on Saturday because I had an appointment to go to at 8:30am and I got up early. I got up at like, 630 I was like, I'm gonna have some coffee. Look at the upcoming appointments and like, see what I need to do. And then I ended up getting in this conversation, and and, and then I was, like, relate, like, running out the door. It was dumb. It was really dumb, because I'd I got dressed in three seconds. I had everything prepared. I was all ready. But I don't know why I didn't do it to have. Minutes earlier, just 10, I muted my alarm is, why don't ever do that? FYI, I try, I really try not to. It's hard when I'm having a conversation with someone, though, like, I want to finish it, and so I'll mute because I don't want to, like, I think it's rude to just walk away from a conversation I don't do. So I just like, like, Uh huh, and I like, wait through it. And that's when you go, and that's when you go, pause shit. I gotta go bye. I'm gonna try. I just, you know, no offense. Yeah, that's, that's hard for me. Mama's gotta go, yeah. I mean, it's probably a good approach, because then you're not late. I don't know, I guess, I mean too, because I just don't, if I gotta go, I gotta go. And, you know, I was really brought up to not like, interrupt, not be like, I'm not important enough to interrupt you. Oh, you're important. You're talking. You're important. You're so important. I matter. And then just say, bitch, bye. I matter. You matter. This has been such an awesome journey for me. I mean, it's not over by far. Oh, my God, I love that. You know we're so different you and I in how we respond and how our ADHD presents, right? Very different, very so that difference is so much easier to recognize than some of those similarities. Isn't that funny? Yeah, we can show each other differently, and that similarity can present also in a very different way. So it's nice for me to be really honest with myself and recognize things that I was, I think I'm you're inattentive to the world. I'm inattentive to myself. You're like, super focused and aware of what's happening inside you all times. And I'm just like, oh, there's a little bump in the wall, like, I'm very externally driven, and you're internally driven. Ooh, did we just discover I already know, I know I but I just remembered what we're doing for our next episode. Oh, no. Like, you just have lightning flash through your body. Well, no, like something bit you, I just thought of what we're doing for or what, what because your brain and your eyes never, I've never done what happens. It's like, well, that's really cool. You know, we're not going to tell you guys, though. Now, now we'll keep you in suspense. Yeah, cuz boy is it great. Just the thought I had, thoughts are good, so I brighten up when I have a thought. Call to action for all our amazing listeners. Tell us about what you do when you have an appointment? Are you awake all day? Or are you a Tasker? Are you a late person, early person? What? What do you do? And if you have any strategies that have worked for you, for you doesn't have to work for anyone else, but maybe it will please share with us, and then we're going to share in little Minnesota's these amazing stories, because our purpose really aside from helping ourselves, because it's all about us, it's really about anyone out there who would possibly have these aha moments too and benefit from them. So please share there's, as you can see, there's so many different ways to experience this world with our unique brains, and we want to share It's wild. So listening to w, T H, ADHD, thank you, and we'll see you next time bye, this has been a hiats, me ADHD production.