That time we were called trash

On today's episode, the conversation revolves around Leti and Kelly discussing their experiences with ADHD and personal growth. Leti shares her journey of decluttering her home and how it improved her mental well-being. She describes the process of organizing her living room and bedroom, reducing clutter, and maintaining a cleaning schedule. Kelly talks about her struggles with binge eating and guilt, attributing it to her husband's work schedule and her own ADHD. They both emphasize the importance of self-compassion, recognizing triggers, and using positive self-talk to manage their behaviors and emotions.

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Hey, Leti yeah Kelly, remember when I called your house a trash dump? You Good morning. Oh, my God, hello. It's so lovely to see your face. It is well for you listeners, and thank you for listening to W th ADHD, it seems like we just talked to you. For us, it's been a little bit we took we took a minute. We took about two months off. Clearly you didn't recognize it was two whole months. We took two months off. I had a little surgery, and that's why we took two months off. I tended to the New York city dump inside my house. Oh, for sake, ever since that last episode, everybody, I am a horrible person, and I never said, You're horrible. But she, boy does she pointed out that I call I said the word trash, her house looked like trash. It was actually the best thing you could have done for me. I know, but I literally, from your whole family got shit for it, don't? They were laughing. No, they when I walk into your house and your fiance says to me, you know, welcome to the trash pit. That's, that's, that's that's a little more than just making fun of which is fine, but in my head, but yes, I didn't, okay go. So what's really, you know, a really fascinating portion of how we closed, and then what I walked away with from our last session is really demonstrative of how we perceive things so magnified, right, like and and when there's crazy magnified, and when there's a little bit of truth in something, when we feel that that internal thing that we work really hard to fix we have been all our lives and that that this is something we don't want anyone to see, and when we are all of a sudden, shown that someone so easily recognizes this fault or this problem that we've been so careful To to hide from ourselves and others. Yes, that. Now I feel like, oh my god, everyone has seen that, right? And it becomes this huge thing in your mind. It's not reality. I repeat, this is not reality. It is just something in the mind. And fortunately, because we have been making these episodes and talking through it, and I've been doing, you know, deep work at recognizing my own behaviors and motivations. I was able to allow all that to occur, and then look at why it resonated so deeply, why I hyper focused on that word, that one little word that she couldn't let go through, fact that I seen trash and I just want to clarify, because I don't remember what I said, because that's how my mind works. It doesn't even matter, right? No, and I just want it right. And it's your perception. I do want to go back to episode, but in my head, I swear to God, I didn't say your house is a trash pit. You didn't say, pit, don't worry. And again, right? You're being so defensive about this. So we'll get back to that, because I don't know why you're being so defensive about it. You didn't hurt my feelings. I feel like I hurt your feelings, zero. And I think my feelings, I felt bad that I feel like I hurt your No, you helped me. I and I'm so happy that I helped you, but I still felt like I heard your feelings, but you did. I keep telling and you won't believe me, and I don't know, I can't. Why are we arguing? Why is this happening? What happened after so I sat with that for a bit, and I was like, you know, walked in my living I'm like, well, there's not really trash here, right? I'm like, What would she consider trash? Right? Like, why? Just makes me feel so bad, but in a completely inactive way. I know, like being sensitive, like I feel because I feel like I hurt your feelings, but keep going, No, I'll get over it. I'll get over it. We're gonna have to, like, explore that some of the time. Yeah, we don't have time for those so our listeners don't go away because we talk about this too much, we keep fighting. We're not fighting. And then I was like, Well, I do have a giant pile of mail. Like, Oh, okay. Well, that's probably half of that is trash. Like, okay. And then I walked into my bedroom to do something, and I paused, and I looked around, and I was like, Oh, my God, you. I have, literally, in my mind, ignored these piles of halfway home, things I've created where there were these things that are in transit, like Halloween costume box, right? That needs to go into the garage. So it wasn't that it's dirty or anything, but it was definitely so cluttered and over time, because it's so stressful, my mind needed to deal right, to not have a cognitive dissonance about me living in this cluttered space that's my bedroom, my safe space that people don't see. This is where I can kind of like just be and, you know, like the clothes draped on the little shade in there that you can't see because the clothes are draped over it, the basket of laundry with the clean clothes that I have not put away and dug through, even though I folded now everything's unfolded, the dresser that has shish kebab skewers sitting there from a Christmas gift years ago that just you never know when you're going to need that to like, help your Well, I wanted to like lashes separate. I wanted to do a shadow box with, yeah, right? I put them here because I didn't want them sitting in the living room, right? So there's all this clutter in situ. So it just stays, and then it just becomes part of the scenery. And what baffles me about that is how you literally blind. Do blind? Not see it. I have some trash, not trash. The stuff behind this thing here has been sitting there from under the sink because we need to change the wood from under the sink. I don't see it anymore, but it's a mess. My brain just goes right over, which I think, you know, I thought a little bit about, also, like when I'm trying to find something, why am I not see it? Because then my my eyes are scanning and skipping over things, right that they're used to skipping over and sitting right there. I don't see it, and then I'm like, crazy. 45 minutes, that's crazy. My mind, holy shit, I do that like, and then you're like, How did I not see this right here? Da do that? Letty. So I think we've created these little blind spots that now became like motor patterns of brain just says, oh, ignore this. Like, it's not there. I mean, I'll look at the little crack in the ceiling. I'll see that every time, but I will not see the all the stuff hanging over, the flowers that have now dried themselves. The water has evaporated and oh yeah, and oh yeah. Oh that that those arrangements last so long on my table, and we all sit at the table, and we all comment, those are dead, and all three of us look at them, and you sit there for the next couple of weeks. I sat there on the bed, and I looked around and I said, Oh my god, I had not only have time blindness, I have clutter blindness. And while it's not on that hoarder scale, which requires a completely different attention, it was something that I was able to, for the first time, really recognize and not be overwhelmed by, in those senses, huge. And I think that's partly medication and partly like having built up strategies over this last year. It's huge how to attempt something like this, right? And I took a weekend, and I first addressed the living room and moved things that were not supposed to be there out of there. That was really the first thing, which led to cluttering other spaces, but it also allowed me to see what I'm actually using and not using. So I ended up getting rid of, like, eight bags of stuff from the living room. Two donated them, out, books, things, stuff. And then I did the bedroom. And my bedroom is now. There's nothing in there except my clothes, my shoes, photo frames, lamps and books and then maybe a couple of small items, I don't know, like nail files, but even like my my nightly routine, I got a little mirror glass thing to put my creams on, but so it's contained and and it almost feels fun to go to Your little glass thing with all your things all pretty on, they never had that like, I've always imagined it pretty, right? I've always, like, dialed into that little fantasy. You want to keep it clean because it's just so fun and pretty, yeah? So it's been now, you know, has it been two months? No surgery? Yeah, oh my God, for two months I've managed to actually keep that space in that same way, and have been getting rid of clothes that I don't like. So it's been a joy to walk into my bedroom and and go to bed, because I don't have to have that small little anxiety before going to sleep. I. About what this space is that I'm okay. You don't have to ignore any spaces anymore. You can vacuum, but you can actually look at normal spaces and go, Oh my God, it looks so pretty in here. I don't have to move anything when I vacuum, I remember, and then I remember when I came over and how proud you were to show me your bedroom. So proud. It was also I wanted you to beautiful. It didn't hurt my feelings. I was like, look, look, right? And it was so beautiful. And it really does make a huge difference in your mental well being. Big difference. And it's just, it's honest to God, buddy, it's just going to be a slow thing over time, because I don't know about you, but when I tackle something and I spend time on it, I literally need, like, two to three weeks off of doing nothing because I'm so exhausted. Yeah, I'm tackling that big thing that I have to take some time off. So it takes a while. It took me a while to prepare for it, because mentally, I had to understand what the task was. So I was, like, looking through it right? Like, I found, like, three purses full, full, full. I found three purses too full. I mean, I must have thought like we bought makeup so many times, because I would not remember I had makeup in there, and I would re buy, like, the whole set insanity pens, so many pens. Insanity, I have so many hair ties, so many hair ties and clips from just two gigantic purses that I have cards. Why it is, it's wild ridiculous. Also, it's like, really rewarding, because then you can clean out any purses money. You can clean out those purses, get that money, and then you can actually put your purses away in a nice way, or the, ah, that's where those earrings went. It's, it is. I'm still looking for a bracelet I took off for MRI. I have not found it yet. You'll find it. You'll find it. And so it's been good. So don't feel bad. I don't, and I'm so happy that you turned whatever I said trigger. So there was a trigger. It was a I recognized that that was a trigger, rather than just like whatever, or she's a bit defensive. I reckon I would never think that anyways, but I recognize that there was a trigger. And I think that is the biggest thing for me, that I'm not just operating on whatever, and I can just take a minute and go, Oh, hey, I got to see you, and why? And I got to see you super proud, which made then made me feel proud, and made me feel like, okay, what? What, uh, whatever I said had a positive outcome, and it also makes me feel more grown up, which I, I think is big deal, yeah, absolutely, because I've had been struggling, you know, with being an adult or feeling like an adult, even though I'm operating like an adult right at work, pay bills, raising children, like all this stuff, and yet I would still kind of feel like that little girl, right? And that's I think, because a lot of that was that panic operating and react, wow, that's operating, actually. And so being able to, like, tell that little girl, part of myself. I got this. I can do this. That's it. I know this is a panic, but I've got this. I'm an adult. I've got this. That's a that's huge. I feel like I felt that too, like I didn't know how to verbalize it, like a shift in myself, because you always feel so guilty and shameful, and that's a youth that's that's a childhood feeling when your parents scold you, they're not there to scold you, so you're scolding yourself because you know it's bad. And that feeling is the same as when you're five and you're you're like you do, or you're keen, and your room's a mess, right? And so that it doesn't matter where it comes from, it triggers that emotion, because we're stunted emotionally in that space, we're unable to to get through it. So now that I can give myself permission to not only feel but then to have the power to make some kind of change, and not expecting that change to be perfect, right? Right? I think that's the interesting time nothing has to be perfect, and that all or nothing, allowing it to take a couple weeks to get to the space I needed to, right? Because that's also a big ADHD thing, is all or nothing, right? I'm gonna go and, like, clean my whole house. You can, let's just not Oh, and you do it, but you're dead, and then you're like, I can't do this every day, because that's what you think cleaning is so I've been tidying spaces and a schedule in very small increments. That's what I do. Bathrooms are Tuesdays, and I've never done that. I really like fucking crazy. Maybe there's people who do this, and I always wanted to be Martha Stewart. I'd love her little calendars of when she has ADHD and so she. Control her ADHD and make schedules. I don't think that's what we're dealing now with Martha. Now she's she's a creature from outer space, and she's amazing. And I wanted to be her, and I wanted to have her little outdoor drying coop and her basket house. Her, don't we all acres and acres of land, of course, but you know that will happen when we retire. Today, we'll be making special gooseberry jelly with fresh mint that I have picked and dried in my drying house built for me by my grandfather. We're gonna have those. We're gonna have those one day, and when the children come by, I have them pick perfect leaves. Well, all I want to say is I think that's awesome that you were able to start this journey from what I said, and it's lovely to see I've been on that journey already, picking days, choosing Tuesdays are bathrooms, Wednesdays, the kitchen, Thursdays, the living room. Like keeping my cleaning schedule really easy, but regimented, so the house can at least have upkeep. So this last, I don't have anyone clean my house. This last, it's just me. This last month has been really hard for me. We'll go into some other time. Yeah, I've had some loss and some and that, and that happens too, but I haven't followed that schedule this month, and I've told myself that it's okay, that it doesn't mean that I've broken a habit. It doesn't mean that out the window. So it's been nice also to give myself permission to take a little time off from it and not feel like it's yet again, something I have abandoned. I feel confident that I'm going to return that schedule and and I don't, I don't feel like a failure about it like I would have before. So that's also huge, I think for me, can I tell you what I said to clot my husband? Yes, no, you can't tell me. I'm going to tell you. And you asked. I said, No, I had been feeling this last week, these last two weeks, really guilty. You're so guilty, just having these guilty feelings, right? And I figured out, why was having the guilty feeling? Was it the late night chocolate? Hold on. Oh, there's just plenty. There's plenty to unpack. But I figured it out, and I had to verbalize it to my husband so that I made it I verbalized it out loud, so that I could really justify what if you verbalize it not out loud, because I don't think it's real if I don't so verbalize in your head, in my just stick to that word. I'm a speech therapist. Verbalized means out your mouth. Fuck off. This is how I talk. I don't speak right words all the time, but it's okay anyway. So I said to my husband, I have figured out, because for the last two weeks, I've been feeling every night I'm going to bed feeling Uber guilty and eating a lot. Ooh, I called it, yeah. So I've been eating a lot and and I did have surgery. I'm two months post op. For a while, there I was dropping weight, unrelated to eating, though the surgery. So it's something else. I just want to make it clear that that's not a connection, right, right? So I've been home, I've been resting, not doing much, and then starting to feel better. Meds all working really well. Now, I went off meds for ADHD, went off meds for ADHD, and then I had to start taking new medication because of my surgery. So I didn't take my ADHD meds for five weeks. Was that fun? Did you recognize I'm gonna tell you that story. I'm gonna tell you the story of what happened when I started taking the meds again. Take it back to guilt. But I was been feeling guilty for the last two weeks because, yes, I have been on my meds, and I have been searching for food at night to because I'm feeling guilty because what I was doing was my husband, because of the fabulous strike that's that was going on, or is going on, depending on whenever the WGA and the actor strike, I would wait for my husband, because his schedule, he literally would wake up every morning and find out that day if he was working. So we never knew till like 1112, o'clock, if he was working that day, I put my life on hold, and for the last two weeks, I would sit and wait with him to find out if he was working or not, and then when I would find out that he was working, then I couldn't do any of the stuff that I personally wanted to do around the house, because I wanted to spend time with him until he went to work. So you were like being an emotional support for him, which then kind of prevented you from dealing with my daily and also recovering and recovering. So here I am gaining weight because I'm eating at night and my meds have regulated. Thank God. So that makes me my. Meds for my body, not my my Vyvanse as I hit my head, right, not for my head. Meds the actual body to regulate my body. And so my body's starting to gain weight again because I was losing weight, yada yada. So I'm in this just cycle of every night feeling so guilty because I have not done anything in the house, nothing. And so I go and I eat to make my feel self love. What were some words I just want to hear it because we say to ourselves some of the meanest things we would never say to someone else. Can I just hear some of the words that you used on yourself? Huh? Like, what? What did you call myself a pig? I called myself a pig. And I keep telling mean, telling me the thing, because I want you to hear yourself telling me I'm a pity, how I'm lazy. How come I couldn't Why couldn't you just pick up a fucking duster and just get rid of the dust that you see all over your house? Because you know it's not good for your lungs. You're lazy. You sit on your ass and do nothing. But I lit that's exactly what I did. I couldn't not do that. Would you tell would you have told me the same thing if I had the same situation? What do you mean? Would you have used those words towards me? Like, Letty, you're lazy, you're sitting on your ass. Like if I was going through the same experience. I don't understand. Sorry. I don't think I'd ever call you a pig or you're lazy, and that's my point, right? No, I would never. So we use words on ourselves. Okay, now I get what you're saying. I was like, What the fuck is that we would never use on someone? No, I would never use that on you. I would never call you a pig. Like, right? Kidding you. That's the grossest thing to say to someone. So I think you know it's important to hear that well, but you can't, right? So it's important to pause here and note that if you find yourself using this kind of language, do your head towards yourself, if you can, if you've got a capacity to to ask yourself the question, would you tell your best friend these same things? Oh, my God, that's great, right now, would I tell my best friend these same words, and if not, rephrase your internal voice? That's huge. Holy fuck, that's that's crazy. We are so mean to ourselves. So mean. It's uncalled for. It's uncalled for. You wounding yourself. Can I get okay, but let's, can I get? Tell you how I got out of it? Yeah, treat this into like, so that we can show that like there's growth, and you can learn and you can It's so painful. But yes, there is right, there is growth. So I did this for two weeks, right? And then I think this weekend, I can't remember when it was, but I had a little binge at night, and my daughter came in to say goodnight to me, as she always does, and I said to her, I said, You know what, I can't I'm getting I'm getting rid of all this shit in the house. We're going to this weekend find healthy snacks for all of us. I said, because I am not controlling myself around this food right now, because I'm having some sort of moment, and I know what the moment is, and I'm gonna I'm bringing myself out of this moment, but the first thing I need to do is get the crap out of the house so you don't have the visual trigger right exactly, because that's your old pattern, and it's easy. The brain's like, oh, that made me feel good, because you're basically, even though you're taking your medication, you still don't have enough dopamine, no noreone and all those other wonderful things to we're sitting in that solace sorrow, waiting for the strike to be done, and then, you know when, if he doesn't work, that Just adds an extra layer of, holy crap, stress hormone, stress hormone, right? And you have nowhere to channel it, because you're you're on fight or flight, and you're not flying, you're not fighting like there's literally nothing you can do. So that's got to go somewhere, and it goes into the next thing that your body can do, which is eat some really good, yummy, sugary signals because you're not hungry, no, not one bit. It's just a survival tactic, absolutely, for the that unseen famine or disaster that's coming to save, to save your body, to preserve Exactly. And it tastes really good, so it makes me feel really good. And that releases that immediately, and so I instantly feel better. It makes a lot of sense. So I said that to my daughter, and she agreed, and she was okay with that. And then I and then I sat my husband down, and I said, Look, for the last few weeks, I've really not been taking care of myself, because I've been wrapped up in what's going on with you. And I'm going to tell you right now I'm stopping that so starting, you know, Monday, when we find out if you're working or not, I'm going to still go do what I need to do that day, because I'm feeling Uber guilty when I go to bed at night and I'm eating a lot when I go to bed at night, and I don't want to do. That anymore. So today's Monday, today's the day we started. Because I had this epiphany this weekend, and my husband totally saw that, and he recognized it in himself, because we all know he has a huge problem with binge eating at night, and we're all going and we're all going to start this. By the way, no one ever needs a snack. Ever you just need a meal? Yeah? No one needs to snack. It's such an American thing, yeah? So that was really cool for me to figure that out. And I'm actually pumped for today, because we're doing this this morning. I feel like I have this great little schedule for the day because there's no school. And like, I like, I'm excited to get through and do all my things today. I was excited about vacuuming today. Yeah, isn't that funny? Isn't that crazy? So that was a really lovely, interesting thing to figure out about my let me ask you this, the need for that fulfillment hasn't gone away, though. So No, are you going to address that coming in? I think, what is it? The strategizing, the thing that gives me joy is cleaning up. And what about joy at like, 1030 at night? I don't I'm not up that late. Ready, please. Um, 7:30pm what seven. So what I'm doing is cleaning up, making sure that the kitchen is straight. Because it's so nice to walk into a kitchen in the morning when it's nice and straight. Don't have the bandwidth to get that clean, that's fine. I don't have to do something every day either. The point is to redirect it, not to the pantry, and that's it. So I think redirect, direct myself to something else. So for our listeners out there who have, like, a really, you know, place they're operating in, who might also experience something like this, this is where that little list would come in handy, of things that give you pleasure, that are more conducive to your health overall, have that available in line of sight. What we're doing right now is, since during COVID, we did some updates to the house so we had so much left over paint brushes and all this leftover stuff. So what we're doing now is just updating our home. So we painted the doors, and the next thing is our bedroom. So that's going to become my dopamine fix, because I'm so excited to paint our bedroom. We just got everything for it. We and we took our time. We swatched colors, took time, picked colors, picked everything. So everything's now all picked out. And now I'm like, excited, because I get to start sanding down, fixing holes, getting ready to paint. And I'm not making myself think I have to finish it overnight, because in my head, I feel like I have to finish things overnight. No, this is a process. I want to do it the right way. I'm going to pull everything down, put mark out, you know, fill in the holes, get the wall, you know, all that shit work. I wouldn't do that. That's not how Kelly works. Kelly just fucking does it half ass and gets it done, right? And then, you know, I'm coming back to, you know, what other strategies we could offer, if that's not something you have access to, or that's, you know, not meditation. I mean, that's not for me. I guess it's not for me either. But it could be creating, I don't know, like there's got to be something some for some people, creating a vision board and so going to it and maybe adding yeah to that vision board with a scrap of paper, like writing down something you really want to envision for yourself, or a picture flipping through photographs of really good events that you might want To replicate, not you know, think about things like, well, this is not happening anymore, but more of like, how do I recreate additional memories in my life experiences to bring me further joy? Spending some time with your pets, if you have them, or texting a good friend, so just having some things for you yourself to provide that little kick and regulation, rather than just using fantasy to regulate, right? Because that that can lead to further depletion, and then you go back into that whatever habit is you're trying to work away from so it's really important to look around. What do you have access to that you can use in place of something you're trying to move from, right? I think, yeah, you know, my husband uses the dogs a lot. He gets down on the ground, lays on the ground, and he just sits. There and lays with the dogs for 20 minutes. And that's a good that's a big grounding thing for him. I stare at squirrels sometimes, yeah, honestly, then birds. So can we go to when I took medication for the first time after five weeks? Yeah, tell you what happened. There's just one specific thing I wanted to I was also gonna say that, you know, I don't know, you know, medically speaking, but I also wonder, and I'll probably look into it, if anesthesia affects people with ADHD differently, like, oh, in terms of recovery time, I feel like it's really, really hard for me to come back from anesthesia. I feel, first of all, just even to wake up from it, but also I just feel really sluggish for a long time post op, when you're supposed to be like, all recovered. So I don't know if that's a thing in terms of regulation and everything. I haven't been I mean, the last time I was under anesthesia was like 25 years ago, so being even a girl, that's still anesthesia, right? But I'm just thinking that was, like, 15 and a half years ago. Like, honestly, it was so long, like, I haven't had that in so long, right? So I'm just curious, right, having this and actually staying overnight in a hospital and all that I haven't I don't think I've ever done that, except after having a baby, but I will say this one very specific thing happened, which I thought was really funny to me. Can you get more specific? Yes, so I haven't taken my vitamins for five weeks because I was having heart rate issues, right? I had to really get my body regulated from my surgery. So it took a long time. That's a stimulant aspect of your your type of medication, right? And I had heart issues with the issue with the palpitations, with my autoimmune disease that I have. I have heart issues with it. So after surgery, I really wanted to wait a long time because I wasn't feeling good, and it took a really long time for my body to regulate blah, five go. Five weeks later, I'm starting to feel better, and I take a Vyvanse in the morning. What happened? This is so weird to me, because I'll never forget this ever in my entire life. Something happened and I started, I farted. It made me get up off the couch. You'll never forget it, and I'll never forget it. It made me get off off the couch, and I Oh, we grocery shopped. That's what it was. I thought you said you'd never forget it. You just couldn't remember why I walked into why I was in the kitchen. We grocery stopped. I'll never forget it. Oh, I remember now I was putting groceries away, and my child, very finicky eater, can't just she eats crap, yada yada yada. I'm putting the stuff away, and I literally, like, open the fridge. I look in the fridge, and I shit you not, it was like calculations going off in my head. I had been I had taken the medication. It was three hours later, and I could literally, like, it was like, division and multiplication going A Beautiful Mind, like, it was a beautiful mind me looking in the fridge and how I could move around the fridge to make my daughter eat food when your brain's operating normally. It was crazy. You guys like, I swear my it was like arrows starting to point, and it was doing a plus X equals Z, and you move this down here, you move the egg the left. No, I swear to God, it's like, if you put the eggs on this side, and then you put this down here, and then I can move this up here. It was literally like I was firing on all cylinders. And it felt really good. Can I tell you something really, really good? Can I tell you something really strange, though? What blows me away, Kelly, why? What you're describing right now is how my brain operates off of medication, and medication quiets that for me. Oh, that's wild. See, I'm not constantly doing that. No, for me, it made me, God, be able to freaking. Like, it just made me be able to solve Uh huh, not like, recognize the space and like, start, like, solve it. I don't know how to solve things off medication, as far as See, and that's the thing I would watch you in the bakery, like, start things and you didn't have a plan, you would just like, start, whereas I can't start until I've had a plan. No, I think our thing, the medication fixes both of us so that we can so wild just start, but figure it out before I start finish. Weird. I'll never forget that looking in my fridge and feeling like Albert Einstein, beautiful mind, like MC magnet, like it was just like, and it was just firing, and I was like, oh my god, I can actually make my my daughter eat. Like, I can, I can do this. And I was just, it was just such a weird feeling. And that is, that's. You notice also that maybe your fridge was more disorganized from that period, that you weren't medicating, probably because my husband was taking care of everything. And he doesn't have a mind like I do. I like to organize the fridge. I like to organize it so you know where everything is, and he just kind of throws things in, doesn't do anything. So, yeah, there was a lot of bags of things that you find, and you're like, why is there a single bacon in a ziploc? And that there's just this? There was disorganization, which was fine, I don't understand. I've also been seeing this trend where people are reorganizing their refrigerator so that the door where you keep all those condiments and all those right things that just pile and whatever they'll put the like fruit or snack, that's what I'm starting to do. So when you open Well, this is what I have to do for her, is when she opens it up, I right. There will be that's a different way too. Yeah, great. She wants to make healthy choices. She just can't if it's not in front of her face. And I absolutely get that. Well, it's ease, ease of access. I see it back. That's what I that's something I got. I gotta cook. What? What am I gonna do? Because I'm so hungry I haven't eaten all day. I forgot to I'm going to have easiest food at that point because my brain's starving Exactly. That's what we do. So that's what I that's what I saw in my head when I opened the door by me. I can picture it, and when we need to see that, it was fun cartoon to see your medication work. Yeah, and it was fun to see what I thought was my medication not working for the last two weeks, because I literally couldn't do anything. But I now I know why I couldn't do anything, because I was drained, drained, and I was also recovering, relying on my husband's activities to to dictate my day, and which led to me doing nothing. So I'm big. I'm mirroring, I noticed with myself. Like, if I'm sitting, let's say, and having a cup of coffee and watching, like a YouTube video on my Korean or whatever the heck, weird things I'm doing, and if you know, my significant other comes into the kitchen and starts cleaning, huh? I can't sit there any longer. Like, I have to pause, and I'll either wait until they're done, or I feel like I have to join them. So I do a lot of mirroring throughout my days and and I don't know why I'm unable to enjoy myself. If someone is working I'm exploring that right now. Well, this is me this. This is day one of someone's loafing, right? I will stop doing what I'm doing right, and loaf and loaf. So today is my day one to see what's going to happen when he gets up and we find out if he's working or not. I know what I want to do today, like operating in little universe rather than, yeah, being that entangled thing, for tasks, because it's okay for me to do my own shit, you know what I mean. But then, like, I don't want them to feel bad I'm relaxing while they're doing something, because then that whole, like, ginormous empathy ball comes out, and I want them to not feel like if they're loafing, I don't want them to feel bad that I'm cleaning because I'm thinking that that's what they must also be thinking because I have a crystal ball and they're not because I or they are and like, because my husband will see me cleaning. I guess they're welcome to then just clean. I guess if that's what they feel, right, right? Yeah, my husband sees me cleaning, so weird, he either decides to join in or not, and I don't feel bad either way. I can't like I can feel bad either way, if you want to join me, great if he doesn't want to join me, even greater, because then I can just get my I can do it my way. You know, it's so strange that I want to be in constant but I think that hyper vigilance probably comes from childhood, having to observe someone who whose mood really depended on your safety, yeah, and so I'm hyper vigilant about other people's moods, and I try to always mirror that mood to make sure I'm not pulling them out of there. So your your goal now is to recognize that is to to not pull yourself away from that yet I'm not ready. I just, I think, recognizing that moment and just being able to wait through it without feeling just horrible that I'm not helping. I'll let you know how this week's Go. This week goes with what my plan is, and we can see what happens when we meet again, and if it worked or not, okay, right? If it worked or not, I think I feel motivated to do it because I felt so guilty the last two weeks, even though it was okay for me not to do anything. What's some vocabulary you could use that you could explore with yourself right now instead of those? Things you told yourself. What are some things you could tell yourself when you are let's say again, eating at night once or something like that happens, or not doing something. Can you give me a practice of what you could tell yourself instead of the pig and lazy and those things? Okay? Clearly you needed to take a night off. It's okay. You'll it's hard to, I feel like sometimes it's hard to justify the food aspect, because there's nothing right about that. I'm thinking something like this, oh shit. I guess I'm doing it again. Okay, so I'm with the chips. I'm, I'm eating it again, and I'm, I'm just gonna acknowledge, okay, and recognize, and this is what I'm telling myself, Okay, I'm acknowledging and recognizing that I'm shoveling this in my face right now. So I'm going to take like, two more shovels, really, good ones, really, really, like, dig in there, and then while I'm chewing, I'm just going to go ahead and zip that bag up and put it away and get some water and enjoy what I'm having. I mean, I guess that's the mindset you have to start trying to recognize yourself in that is what you're doing. So giving yourself and laugh about it and and just like, I'm going to take, like, okay, maybe I need three scoops right now, because that's what it is, I think, and just enjoy it. I think I did that in the beginning, you know what I mean, and then you're like, I kept going, and that's when you got disgusted. And then I got disgusted. To be honest, I usually could do one or two snacks a night, like little snacks, so that I felt like I had something. Again, we don't need to snack, but All right, then I'm just not being judgy, right? But then it just kept getting right more and more. And I was like, I couldn't I couldn't bring myself out of it. Words really matter, right? Yes, Words matter. Took two weeks, and then I got down to the nitty gritty and figured it out. So it took me two weeks. Yeah, whatever. So, so giving yourself that opportunity to recognize it and use nicer language in that moment, maybe the first goal. It's not that you need to stop, it's just the language should change a little bit so that you don't feel so bad that it becomes this thing that you end up doing because now you're such a bad person, that's really all you're worth, you know, like that kind of stuff. No, I think that. And look something to work on for sure. Yeah, be nice to yourself. Yeah, all right. Well, that's all I got for today. Wow, that makes growling so I'm hungry, wow. Well, thank you so much for joining us. This was kind of like a mish Mosh, and I hope you can relate something. Yeah, I hope you can please let us know if there's anything you can relate to, drop it in our chat on Instagram and and let us know if you got the fuels. 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